Empaths in Relationships: The Wounded Healer


The turning point for empaths in relationships – love partnerships – is the realization that one does not need to fix the other, or to depend on them, in order to feel safe and whole within oneself. All she or he has to do is to begin the rich and rewarding work of truly loving and accepting who she is. ALL of who she is.

I just made that sound so easy, didn’t I?

It’s simple, but not easy. Because this work could either take up a whole lifetime, or years of ongoing work – or not, depending on your personal journey.

But it could also be fairly quick, because hopefully now that you know this, you can choose not to struggle any more. This awareness can help you, when you find the old familiar hook of drama beckoning to you and calling your name.

You can decline to engage.

I think it’s almost a rite of passage for empaths to be in a relationship where they realize, on a profound level, that they cannot save the other. That they cannot afford to spend their precious life force energy devoting their time and talents solely to the life of another. That doing so is an underestimation of the sovereignty, capability and free will of the other. That that is NOT being giving. That what looks like giving on the surface is actually being unnecessarily self-sacrificial. That it stems from an unconscious – and very false – belief that you are not worthy of your own time, attention and love.

It’s also about giving up victim consciousness, sloughing off the chains and narratives of trauma and woundedness. That you are not a victim, needing to be rescued. Nor do you have to be the bully, to defend yourself from the world all the time. These patterns are repeated for as long as necessary until this lesson is learnt.

Consciously directing your life force energy 

Giving energetically is so natural to an Empath that cutting off these behaviors and establishing boundaries feels so unnatural, so foreign – but is completely necessary in order to live and thrive as a human being. It feels unnatural because we have a stronger physical, cellular and soul level memory of the time when we were all One. Back home with Source, however you define it. There was truly no separation. But in this material world, we have to learn energetic separation in order to live – not just survive, but truly live.

And this energy that you win back, when you quit putting all your attention into working on someone like a project: this energy is meant for you to direct into personal work, creativity, growth, and serving the collective by being 100%, unapologetically YOU.

Relationships serve as mirrors for us, and as empaths, this could not be more true. Empaths are challenged to live their deepest truth. They are also challenged to stand strong in themselves, rooted down to the Earth by the very core of their being. Yet the journey of getting there can be a very painful process. All kinds of tests and events come up, as a form of initiation – how do you deal with heartbreak? How do you deal with solitude? What happens when your wounds are triggered? Where do you give away your power? Why? What is your relationship to yourself? All are different ways of asking you: are you choosing yourself? Or are you abandoning yourself? 

You are so powerful. Know this. On some deep level in your soul, you already do.

So to say the least, romantic partnerships for empaths can be a minefield. It can also be richly rewarding, a partnership of growth, discovery and deep connection.

If you are struggling with your romantic partnership now as an empath, I want you to know: You are safe. You are so, so loved. You can stand strong within yourself, by yourself, alone if need be – and still be 100% okay. Maybe someone will come along and show you how to do that. Maybe your lesson is to learn that on your own. But it will all be okay.

If your wounds come up: that of codependency, of anger, the need to control, deep insecurity, feelings of abandonment – be gentle with yourself. Acknowledge them. Shine the light of your consciousness on them, and tell yourself, you no longer need to run from them anymore. That you are not your wounds. That no matter how deeply destabilizing and traumatizing these emotions feel, that you no longer have to live life as a reaction to them. That you can instead respond, and overcome. And choose to overcome, again and again and again.

Because as you heal yourself, the ripple effects are enormous. No matter how chaotic or non-linear it looks on the outside, you are learning what you need to in order to grow. And nothing is more courageous than choosing to grow. Than choosing yourself.

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