In a weekly feature, Dana of Empath Rising will be sharing her views as well as practical tips on understanding and managing your sensitivity as an Empath.
It’s amazing to consider that even the most emotionally intelligent human being (that’s us!) could also have the most difficulty in forming and maintaining healthy relationships. This Empath Truth can be one that is very hard for us to digest and can often inadvertently validate our low self esteem and the “I’m not normal” complex.
I do believe this struggle is the hardest to overcome when attempting to understand ourselves as Sensitives. After all, how can such loving and selfless creatures (at our best) be so unlovable, so incapable of bonding with another when we feel so connected to all creatures of Earth? If we hone in on the truth, it is often hard to digest, but as with every other struggle, this one is also about Self Awareness through Self Discovery.
Unhealed Empaths tend to fall into the Rescuer or Fixer Roles
As Empaths, whether we are aware or not, we focus on “helping” others and before this comes into awareness, we actually focus on “fixing” others. We have this tendency to gravitate towards emotionally unavailable humans – and we expend ourselves trying to make them happy. As empaths in romantic relationships, we seek to satisfy our own self worth by believing that if we act “appropriately” enough (by doing whatever the partner wants), that they will eventually love us as some kind of reward for having loved them through their own self hatred. I could go into all the details why but the short of it is – THIS. NEVER. WORKS. And all we wind up doing is creating an inner sense of worthlessness.
In almost every article you read on Empaths, “Codependency” is in there somewhere. Why is this? Well, it’s because as Empaths, we feel what those around us feel. Until we are older and wiser, we don’t realize most of what we feel is not our own. Codependency occurs in any relationship where one person is devoid of ‘Inner Love.” The Empath senses this lack and seeks to fill this inner void within their partner and while doing so, spends so much time absorbing and mirroring back their emotional state of being that they too, begin to become devoid of “Inner Love” and believe it is their fault for the demise of the relationship; they believe it is their own inability to BE loved that is why all their relationships fail.
See here is the difference between Empaths and others. Empaths ALWAYS self-reflect. They always look to their selves as the blame – the one who could have tried harder, acted differently, should have known better, etc. It’s a sad, sad and harsh reality but – this is why most people that are in abusive relationships always return to their abusive partners. Most of them are Empaths that believe they should be working HARDER to fix their partner, even when the partner is never taking any responsibility for the emotional unavailability they bring into the relationship. In fact, the other partner is usually projecting their emotional unavailability onto the Empath and validating the Empath’s feelings of “blame” and “unlovable-ness.” (Yup, I made up my own word just there!)
Know thyself, Love thyself – Then Share the Love
So – how is any of what I am writing helpful? Well, it’s really not. Truth is that, until one is READY to understand that life as an Empath is not about Loving OTHERS – but about falling in love with their SELF and then sharing that love with others who can appreciate it, evolve from it, become the best version of their self by being accepting of it… it doesn’t really matter what I write. Empaths have this stubbornness (backed by profound resilience) about them where they are insistent on proving their self worth by proving their love is the most powerful of all – so they take on this low viber in an attempt to prove the power of their Love to their Self through validation from another outside of their self. And that’s ok because that is part of our path – coming to our own realization that we have to Love and Honor and Respect ourselves FIRST – and only then can we be of any value to our selves, our purpose, to humanity, to another human being.
All I am simply trying to do in this article is to perhaps give you a few things to consider before giving up on love or before settling for someone that is just going to bring you down to their level of vibration (we vibe very very high for those who aren’t aware). As I said, Self Awareness within Self Discovery is critical for Empaths and being aware of they types of relationships you have had in the past, the patterns of behaviors in others you seem to be drawn to, the pattern of behaviors that you fall into in relationships, and the way relationships end will GREATLY provide you insight as to the areas of focus that needs to shift and also have boundaries around them so you do not keep repeating your past!
I am going to write a continuation of this article for next week, where I will outline some of types of behaviors others exhibit that should be red flags for us, the challenges of being in relationships and some of the healthy boundaries to set when starting a new relationship (as we have a tendency to rush into things!!!) I will also share with you the difficulties and benefits of being in a relationship with another Empath (which, although it has its EXTREME difficulties, has been the most rewarding and self revolutionizing relationship for both myself and my life partner who are both Empaths.)