This entire blog is an experiment in writing about sensitivity – and has been a learning journey for myself as well. The more I read, think, talk and write about it, the more feedback I get (which I greatly appreciate!) and the more self-awareness I gain along the way. One marked difference since I first started is how much more aware I am now of the soup of energy that we are all in, all the time. Being aware of how others’ energy is discrete and disparate from mine has been an epiphany – but learning what to do with that knowledge has been full of pitfalls and bumps and knocks. I want to say: hey, I am there – already full of self-mastery, but to be honest, I am just groping around in the dark, though thankfully guided by some bright spots and teachers who are further along the path, while I simply experience the truth of their teachings via trial and error.
I am often impatient to get ahead and to achieve FULL SELF MASTERY right now, please, but I’ve also learnt (over and over again) how patience has never been my strong suit – and that all things take time – especially worthy things. Lessons that take time to unfold may also impart the best lessons – at least that’s what I tell myself. And at the heart of it, I’ve also learnt that my impatience is often a desire to have control out of a fear of uncertainty, and to know things for sure. But life is uncertainty.
Life is uncertainty.
I might need to get that tattooed somewhere, if not on my brain.
I’ve also realized just how much angst I used to direct at people when I wasn’t taking care of myself. “Why don’t they just get me the way I can read them?” especially in close relationships – and this manifests sometimes as a really unfortunate victim mentality. When I pick up energy from others, there is an enmeshment that happens – sometimes detouring towards Codependency-Land. And to be sure, being in a close relationship requires healthy interdependence. But I never really had a role model for what that looked like – so learning where those lines are drawn has been an ongoing challenge for me. Owning my feelings has been a huge step toward getting rid of that sense of victimhood.
“And you? When will you begin that long journey into yourself?”
Ultimately, all this focus on sensitivity for me is about empowerment. Know thyself, the sages said. And part of that meant delving into this numinous world of energy. They didn’t really leave an instruction manual of what it would entail: but now I do know that taking that time to know yourself involves gritty, often painful work: going within, digging into your past, facing your demons, knowing how their voices sound like so you can tell them: “NO.” So you can make the decisions that bring you toward the light, instead of mistaking those darker voices as the Real You. Because the Real You is Love. And Light. But embracing darkness within you – the intrinsic darkness that comes with being human – is vital so that you can learn to make decisions from a real place from within You. It’s not pretty. You might end up spewing all over your loved ones, but luckily I’ve also learnt that those who love you enough will stick with you and not hold those moments against you. I’ve been lucky enough to have these people in my life. Very, extraordinarily lucky.
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
It’s been so humbling to see just how much capacity for love the people I’m surrounded by have. For sure the world can be riddled with pain and negativity right now, but when I look around me and see the love that’s just busting out of people’s hearts I know for sure there is hope. It’s made this whole process of me breaking apart and softening – an entirely scary process for me – extremely gratifying. And the courage to keep writing and speaking my truth. There is hope for a better world and this sounds earnest and hippie dippy but I want to be a part of this better world, because I can see it: it’s right there around the corner – it’s right within our reach.