(Including this cake from a surprise party that was thrown for me, which was apparently not the cake that was ordered – the flavor of the cake was a surprise – and also had a seemingly hastily scrawled on ‘Kerrie’, which is hilarious to me but I love it anyway. Also, look at those candles!)
A post to mark my beautifully imperfect 26th year – this year has got me practicing being attuned to the unfolding of my heart and trying to be as present and patient with it as possible. My ego is trying to break free, straining against the leash I’ve put on it – to go, to plan, to do and to know. To MOVE already!
Our society is set up so that Not Knowing is a kind of capital sin. But you know what? What’s worse is believing that we DO know, when we really, really don’t. Because the truth is, I don’t know. I don’t know how things are going to look in a year, or two, or five. As a reformed people-pleaser, I still feel those urges to pretend to know just so that I can make my loved ones feel better, and to reassure them. But I can’t find it in me to do that any longer. Because I believe they deserve more than than illusion of security – they deserve truth, even though it’s not always very beautiful or comfortable in the moment.
So I try to stop myself from future-tripping, and to live and breathe in the now instead.
The heart will always know the next step though. It has access beyond the veil. It whispers and gives messages very calmly. Vaguely but insistently. Though sometimes I wish it would just sit me down and give me specifics, like: ‘Here. This is what’s going to happen. I know what you’re doing now, even though it feels right, doesn’t make sense to your conscious mind and ego in this moment, but trust me, it’s all unfolding as it should.’ But it knows.
I’m sure my 27th year will bring me more opportunities to get even more comfortable with being uncomfortable i.e. Not-Knowing. A year ago, this thought would have made me very antsy. But now? I’m ready. Growth!
Living life according to the rhythms of the heart takes getting used to, because it’s often discordant with the rhythms of this material world of ours. But I do know that when it is ready to act, it’s unstoppable. Are you following the beating of your heart too?